Joey and I for the longest time thought we were done having kids after Liam. I always felt this "unfinished" feeling. I kept literally every baby item I own (well almost) Most of my baby clothes have been in boxes for years and years until we were for sure done....it was never set in stone.
Liam was about 1 1/2 years old when we decided to try for another baby. Joey was finally on board. I got pregnant super fast with my other 3 so we thought the same would be with this one.
It was December 2017 when we decided to start trying. The first few months were very discouraging, but I was on birth control and thought my body just needed to get back to normal.
it was month 5 when I decided to buy ovulation tests for the first time ever. I tracked it a ridiculous amount.
finally come October 2018 I threw all the ovulation tests away and decided to "give up"
I also bought myself my favorite chocolates when my period decided to show up.
Every pregnancy announcement... heart breaking. every newborn baby... brought me to tears.
I have my three wonderful children. But the disappointment was still so hard for me. And what got me the most was when woman would complain about pregnancy on social media. and you just want to write.... someone would literally give ANYTHING to have nausea. be uncomfortable. ect. I cant fully understand how it feels to never get that positive line on a test and it kill you each time. but I feel it has given me more appreciation for those woman who go thru infertility and hardships like that. the disappointment of wanting something so bad and it slipping away. or each month getting negative and your dreaded period showing up.
I gave up hope. I stopped trying. (well kind of) we weren't actively trying. but of course we sure weren't being careful.
October - December I didn't even take a single pregnancy test. I just let my dreaded period show up.
Come January... I had this weird urge to take one.
I hid in the bathroom and locked it... as my husband is.. he was bugging me at the door saying I was pooping and just being the jokester he is.
Finally... got the positive and I gave the loudest
JOEYYYYYYYYYYY! practically threw the test at him.
He was in disbelief. we were both jumping up and down.
we told our kids early on.
we told our family early on.
Continued my doctor appointments with my doctor who delivered Liam.
Ive always been high risk because I do have a rare uterus (bicornuate) practically shaped like a heart. and only carry on one side.
I cant remember the side my girls were on. but Liam and Nathaniel were both on my right.
I went to 3 ultrasounds. and all looked good.
announced after my 12 week ultrasound.
I went in to my regular appointment I was supposed to be almost 16 weeks along.
My doctor did the doppler. he couldn't find a heartbeat. which isn't uncommon.
so he sent me in for an ultrasound.
I sat in the waiting area messaging my family and friends about what had happened... literally just trying to stay calm.
went in for my ultrasound. immediately I knew. She didn't have to say a single thing.
Called Joey... he of course said something stupid so I hung up on him (he says stupid things when hes frustrated/upset) hes a guy hahaha
Called my mom... practically hyperventally. She couldn't understand me for the first little bit until I calmed down. She started crying on the phone.
Joey called me back (he was at home with the kiddos) and was on the phone with me the rest of the appointment. the ultrasound tech let me stay in that room and cry and calm down.
finally I moved into a normal room to talk to my doctor. He told me what we needed to do next. and asked if I wanted a day or two.
I told joey I wanted to keep the baby hostage in my body (clearly wasn't thinking straight)
he told me the baby was way to big to do D&C surgery .
We had to put my body into labor.
He gave me a couple hours and told me to go to the hospital at 4pm.
my mom was at work and was going to come to me straight from it. (5pm) but she called me and could tell I was having such a hard time. She came straight to my house. took care of Raylee and Liam. while joey and I laid in bed and cried. My husband isn't a crier.... but he cried.
My eyes hurt so bad. and looked so red with the amount I was crying.
I called my best friend and told her what was happening. Our girls go to the same school. So she gladly picked Alleah up and took her home.
When Alleah got home it was 3:30pm... almost time for me to go to the hospital.
we decided to sit Alleah down and told her what had happened. I broke her heart that day. She immediately started crying.
We went to the hospital. got all checked in.
my nurse was wonderful. Got an awful IV. and honestly... a lot of it was a blur.
I went into the hospital april 10th. Took a pill orally to put my body into labor. And all it did was upset my stomach. I did that every 6 hours or so. and then down to 4. and then down to 3 hours. Joey got work off and stayed at the hospital with me the entire time.
Desiree had my kids that Wednesday - Friday I was in the hospital. which I am forever grateful. Joey left the hospital early to take Alleah to school... she really didnt want to miss a field trip. & My best friend helped with pickup on Friday. I called both my kiddos in "sick" on Thursday.
While we were at the hospital... only a few people knew the first two days.
my best friend brought me pizza. hung out with Joey and I for many many hours both nights. another one of my friends who lost her baby later term came and brought me blondies and good company. And another friend visited Friday before all the crazy happened.
my family visited regularly. called and texted regularly.
My dad gave me a blessing.
Friday morning... I decided to announce to social media what had happened. April 12th.
I did it mainly because I didn't want the uncomfortable question "hows the pregnancy going?" when obviously... not well.
Finally my doctor decided to put those pills up into my cervix. 3 hours later I was FINALLY dilated. the nurse put one more in. (and gave me good drugs thru my IV)
checked me 3 hours later... and I was at a 4.
(to give birth to a full term baby you have to be 10 cm. this baby was measuring exactly 16 weeks 2 days so I only had to be about half of 10)
So as soon as she felt 4. she got the epidural guy in (I didn't want one because I knew it wouldn't hurt. but they told me id want one because the placenta might not detach very well)
I sat up... and immediately felt went.
I told my nurse (who was holding my hands for the epidural) that Im wet. And she said your water must of just broke.
I immediately started crying. I was trying to hold still for the needle going in my back but I couldn't help but stop to cry hysterically.
As soon as I laid down... Nathaniel came out. The nurse did everything. cut the cord. get him out. wrap him up. She wrapped him up in a blanket and told me when im ready.
I of course ….hysterically crying.
the entire time being at the hospital... Joey and I decided our plans. what we wanted to do when the baby was born. Everything.
Joey didn't want to hold him. he told me many times he doesn't think he could do it.
I on the other hand wanted to hold him as much as I possibly could. I knew if I looked back on this I would kick myself for not doing everything in my power to get peace on such a tragic time.
I told the nurse I was ready. my mom had just gotten off work and came in right when everything happened. Both joey and I held him. My mom took pictures.
He looked like a perfect baby who fit perfectly in Joeys hands.
When he was born I had the nurse look and see what the gender was. & that's when we found out he was a he. I wanted another boy so bad!
We had our time with him. gave him back. signed the cremation papers. and honestly just tried to get home as fast as possible.
My parents kept our kids Friday - Sunday.
a week prior... Joey had bought mariner tickets... and I had asked my sister to take the kids for the weekend. We bought the hotel and tickets. (for Saturday April 13th) & everyone just told us to go.
So my parents kept them that weekend.
We spent the night at our house Friday night. I had a nice long sad shower. and just went to bed.
The next day we stopped by to see our kids before heading out to seattle.
We showed the girls the picture of Nathaniel.. we were sure they would be weirded out because even though he looked like a baby... he didn't fully look like one.
They immediately said he was so cute.
sidenote: Nathaniel wasn't even on our list for names. we came up with it as soon as we found out he was a boy because of the meaning. "gift from god"
So we went to Seattle. got checked into our hotel and went straight to the game.
I honestly did very well at the game because I was distracted with food, joey and the game. I had the hardest time when I sat and thought about everything.
We came back... got our kids. come Monday morning I got Alleah to school and got a phone call from my dad asking "did you get Alleah to school"
You honestly don't think about it... but simple tasks.. like getting Alleah to school was hard.
Getting out of bed... was hard.
I found my self Monday giving my kids a bath and just laying on the bathroom floor balling my eyes out. My kids were wonderful. They knew why I was upset. The girls helped with Liam. As hard as a mother to see my girls taking care of my son... I was in awe. They picked up my slack. Alleah fed liam snacks. my kids would just lay with me and let me cry.
Honestly if I didn't have my kids... Id probably not even get out of bed.
I got out of bed... I did get them the majority of what they needed. I fed them their meals. I got the girls to school.
The next day Raylees preschool teacher let me just cry on her shoulder.
So many people sent me flowers. My church people had dinner for me for an entire week. I had an amazing amount of support.
It helped tremendously.
I cried probably every day for about 3 weeks. and on and off still.
We got him cremated. and his ashes are put inside a teddy bear. I slept with that bear for the entire 3 weeks. Raylee sleeps with it too. She finds comfort in that bear.
My girls understand so much about it.
Alleah told me that I just need to pray and Nathaniel will always be apart of our family. I didn't tell her that. She helped me get thru a really hard time. I will always be grateful for such a wonderful first child. God gave me that girl for a reason. God gave me all my children for a reason.
Id love to know what the reason was for Nathaniel. but I know he will always be apart of this family. He will never be forgotten. I still have my moments of being so sad. September is right around the corner and that's when I was supposed to meet him and hold him.
I started to go to counseling for my grief. This trial has not been an easy one for me or my husband. I feel like thru all of this he got pushed to the side. because it happened to me... his feelings didn't matter as much. But in reality... he lost his son. He saw him being born. He wanted the future with that baby just as much as I did.
They weren't kidding when they say a lost of a child will make your marriage hard.
In the beginning it was bringing us so close. But after awhile It was pushing us farther and farther away because we both didn't know what to do with each others emotions.
We still have a hard time.
We still miss him.
I still cuddle that bear and cry.
I still tell Nathaniel he is loved and I miss him.
This wound will never fully be healed. but Im learning to be ok.
Thanks for reading.
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